The finger test

Came across this cute story in the Star papers. It's a
little bit long but worth a read. Enjoy.

The finger test
But Then Again
By MARY SCHNEIDER

The next time you are introduced to a man for the first time,
there’s one thing you can do that might save you a lot of
heartache later on. And, no, it’s got nothing to do with
trying to find out what sort of car he drives, or where he
lives, or the colour of the pieces of plastic in his wallet,
or which of his moons were ascending at the beginning of the
year of the chicken.

According to recent findings, you can tell a lot about a man
by the size of his fingers.

“Hey, just a minute! That’s not new!” I can hear some of you
saying right about now. “Everyone knows there is a direct
correlation between the size of a man’s fingers and the size
of his ... er ... well, the size of his ... em ... well, his gloves.”

This being a family newspaper, you should be ashamed of
yourself for even thinking such things.

According to a recent study, the length of a man’s fingers
can reveal how physically aggressive he is. The shorter
his index finger is compared to his ring finger, the more
aggressive he will be.

Right about now, if you’re male and you’re examining the
length of your fingers, only to discover that your index
finger is quite a bit shorter than your ring finger, please
remember this has nothing to do with me. I’m not responsible
for your condition – testosterone is. So chucking a brick
through my window as you drive past my house in the wee hours
of the morning really won’t solve anything.

Actress Robin Givens, the ex-wife of boxer Mike Tyson, greeted
this latest discovery with mixed feelings. “Why couldn’t they
have come up with this earlier?” she said. “On my wedding day,
I saw Mike scratching his ankle with his ring finger while
standing fully erect.”

I think Robin has lost the plot. It’s not the ring finger that’s
relatively long; it’s the index finger that’s relatively short.
Of course, it’s hardly surprising that she gets things mixed up.
You would, too. if you’d been whopped on the side of the head
a couple of hundred times by I’m-Mike-and-I-eat-ears Tyson.
Besides, Mike’s ability to scratch his ankles like that is due
entirely to his extremely long arms – which involve another theory.

But I digress.

In the not-too-distant future, I can see finger-length tests
being carried out in a number of different situations. Indeed,
it might be possible for a simple scanning device to be
incorporated into a mobile phone, enabling you to scan anyone’s
fingers in a few seconds.

Not only will this handy device tell a woman if a prospective
mate is up to scratch, it will also be an invaluable aid to
employers recruiting new staff. After all, you don’t want a
physically aggressive man working in, say, Customer Complaints
or the Ye Olde Crystal and Fine China Shoppe, now do you?

Of course, there will always be some men who cash in on their
physical aggressiveness: wrestlers, boxers, nightclub bouncers,
matadors and carpet beaters, to name just a few.

There’s a possibility that some people will point an average-
length finger at the overly aggressive and marginalise them.
Fingerism will drive some physically aggressive men to extreme
lengths in an attempt to cover up the outward manifestations of
their condition. There will probably be a demand for index finger
augmentation and prosthetic fingertips.

If Michael Jackson can live with a piece of moulded foam latex
(the same material that was used to make the masks for many of
the gruesome characters in those Lord of the Ring movies) glued
to the middle of his face as he cavorts around Neverland, I’m sure
it won’t be too difficult for any other man to stick on a couple
of fingertips every morning after a quick shower. And if anyone
makes fun of him, he can always beat the @#*% out of them.

All I can say is that I’m glad I’m a woman – there’s no messy
application of prosthetics to deal with before I leave the house
in the morning. All I have to do after a quick shower is moisturise
my body, squeeze into my clothes, apply my make-up, style my hair,
paint my nails, sort out the contents of my handbag (small animals
have been known to get lost in there) and teeter out the door in
impossibly high heels.

If he’s not keen on prosthetics, a man can grow his fingernails
extra long to camouflage the fact that certain fingers are a bit
on the short side, or partially amputate his ring fingers to make
them about the same size as his index fingers, or become a
participant on a TV reality show – bad behaviour in front of the
camera always sells.

Although there’s no link between physically aggressive behaviour
and the length of a woman’s index finger, another study found
that women with “male” pattern finger lengths displayed more
frustrated behaviour when answering challenging telephone calls
than other women.

Of course, you mustn’t believe everything you read. For example,
my index finger appears to be a little on the short side compared
to my ring finger, but I’ve never dissed anyone on the telephone
before. In fact, a more mild-mannered person you are unlikely
to meet, anywhere.

If you disagree with me, please feel free to give me a call.

Now, where did I put those blasted bricks?