Marriage and Wedding Humour

A friend got married over the weekend. It was a lovely wedding ceremony. Coincidentally, I came across this unknown humourous piece in my archives.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating.
1.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
2.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
3.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. -
Noel Coward, 1956

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -
Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cann't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Enjoy the rest of your day!!

Dress Code

Ooh! It's Friday again. How nice! It's just after 4pm here but the heavy rainfall makes it look like almost nightfall. The weather has been rather strange lately. Only last week, we experienced a weird storm, so strong that trees were uprooted smashing cars parked beneath them, roofs went flying, fences were toppled down, even Astro satellite dishes were plucked from their perch.

No matter, a little rain will not spoil a Friday and naturally a little humour is in order to wind down the week.

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.




The Management.


Have a wonderful weekend.

Why God made menopause

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby?; one asked. Not yet, said the mother.;I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first. Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?
No, not yet, said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now? No, not yet, replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when CAN we see the baby?
WHEN HE CRIES! she told them. WHEN HE CRIES??
They demanded. Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??
BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him...

Everything Happens for a Reason

This is truly a beautiful piece - a piece that one can revisit over and over again and each time gain a different insight. Unfortunately, the author is unknown for credit to be given. May you get pleasure and wisdom from it. Enjoy!

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there...to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.


And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, willpower or heart.


Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.


Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.


If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.


Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.


Share this with anyone whom you believe has made a difference in your life!

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."

Make A Difference - Sponsor A Child Today!

There are many ways one can contribute to charity. Sponsoring
a child is one way.


You can change the world for a little child.

Right now, boys and girls all over the world are living in desperate poverty. They face each day without access to proper nutrition, medical care, and decent clothing.

By uniting sponsors with needy children, Children International is able to provide them with benefits and services to help them grow up healthy.

We have selected a child for you who is in need of a sponsor. Please click the link below to meet this little girl or boy and begin to make a lasting difference by helping ease their pain of poverty.

Children International is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of the children living in dire poverty.

Make a difference - sponsor a child today! You just may find that it changes your life in return.

Meet your child here.

One Month Overdue

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms a round his neck: "Darling, I have a great news:
I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out
for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he,
mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company office the
first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is
a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Bora Bora, Tahiti

It's another day, another Monday, another beginning to a new
week, another chapter in life.

Hope things are fine at your end. I am glad where I am, there is
peace and harmony and the pace of life is like normal, uninterrupted,
even mundane but on hindsight, mundane is good if one compares it
to the turmoil in some parts of the world.

In Indonesia for instance, just as we speak, relatives and rescue
parties are still involved in looking for human bodies, victims of
a tsunami with about 700 deaths at the last count. Nature can be
cruel too.

In the Middle-east, there is a war. People killing people; ego
against ego. Apparently, the human race did not learn enough
from the two world wars. How can we be entrusted with protecting
the lesser species if we are not even able to protect ourselves?
What a laugh!

There is hope yet, as, still in the midst of a largely cynical,
embittered 21st-century world, it is heartening to see that deep,
personal enthusiasm for world peace is still on the agenda for many
as evidenced by the recent World Peace Congress.

Organised by prominent Tibetan lama, Lama Gangchen, and his organisation, the Lama Gangchen World Peace Foundation, the World Peace Congress, held in June, in Verbania, Italy, is now in its fourth year, and drew in guests from as far as China and Chile.

Congress patron Lama Gangchen is especially known for his extensive work in healing and dharma (Buddhist teachings), but the congress looked not so much at spirituality but at the greater pressing need for positive spiritual values – compassion, patience, generosity, love – and holistic interaction in all arenas of our contemporary life and society.

Also present at the Congress was Lama Michel. He spoke about "The positive side effects of a spiritual path".


LAMA Michel (pic), one of Lama Gangchen’s foremost disciples who was recognised at a young age as the reincarnation of a very high Lama, is only 25 years old but he spoke universal truths at the congress that would apply to anyone at any age.

“Material development is only for this life. We can’t take it with us when we die.”

If you are interested to know more about Buddhist teachings, you may want to visit Robin's Empire. Robin has just completed a two-week retreat on Buddhism and he shares some great insights.


And, on a personal positive note, hope your world is as peaceful
and as beautiful as the places in these pictures.

Bora Bora, Tahiti
















Gustavia, St Bethelemy















A Harbour in Bermuda















Have a great day!

Why is Lingerie so popular?

Gotcha, didn't I? The title, I mean. This post is actually on some thought-provoking humour for a Friday morning.


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

And Pandabonium added:
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all close together?
















Have a really happy day!