Disorder in the Court

Robin, I hope you are not reading this. I simply couldn't resist it.

Shhhhhhhh.... don't let him hear you laughing.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
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And, the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS : Well, I guess it's possible he could be out
practicing law somewhere.