Monday, July 31, 2006

Marriage and Wedding Humour

A friend got married over the weekend. It was a lovely wedding ceremony. Coincidentally, I came across this unknown humourous piece in my archives.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied,
"Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating.
1.In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
2.In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
3.In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. -
Noel Coward, 1956

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -
Lisa Hoffman

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cann't face each other, but still they stay together.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore ...

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Enjoy the rest of your day!!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Dress Code

Ooh! It's Friday again. How nice! It's just after 4pm here but the heavy rainfall makes it look like almost nightfall. The weather has been rather strange lately. Only last week, we experienced a weird storm, so strong that trees were uprooted smashing cars parked beneath them, roofs went flying, fences were toppled down, even Astro satellite dishes were plucked from their perch.

No matter, a little rain will not spoil a Friday and naturally a little humour is in order to wind down the week.

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed accordingly to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Why God made menopause

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby?; one asked. Not yet, said the mother.;I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first. Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?
No, not yet, said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, May we see the baby now? No, not yet, replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, Well, when CAN we see the baby?
WHEN HE CRIES! she told them. WHEN HE CRIES??
They demanded. Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??
BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him...

Everything Happens for a Reason

This is truly a beautiful piece - a piece that one can revisit over and over again and each time gain a different insight. Unfortunately, the author is unknown for credit to be given. May you get pleasure and wisdom from it. Enjoy!

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would never realize your potential, strength, willpower or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned
from. In fact they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count. Appreciate everything that you possibly can, for you may never experience it again.

Talk to people whom you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to.

Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life and then go out and live it.

Share this with anyone whom you believe has made a difference in your life!

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see is obstacles."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Make A Difference - Sponsor A Child Today!

There are many ways one can contribute to charity. Sponsoring
a child is one way.

You can change the world for a little child.

Right now, boys and girls all over the world are living in desperate poverty. They face each day without access to proper nutrition, medical care, and decent clothing.

By uniting sponsors with needy children, Children International is able to provide them with benefits and services to help them grow up healthy.

We have selected a child for you who is in need of a sponsor. Please click the link below to meet this little girl or boy and begin to make a lasting difference by helping ease their pain of poverty.

Children International is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of the children living in dire poverty.

Make a difference - sponsor a child today! You just may find that it changes your life in return.

Meet your child here.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

One Month Overdue

A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws
her arms a round his neck: "Darling, I have a great news:
I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out
for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the
doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the
electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight.

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he,
mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company office the
first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is
a month overdue? What business is that of yours?"

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?"

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Bora Bora, Tahiti

It's another day, another Monday, another beginning to a new
week, another chapter in life.

Hope things are fine at your end. I am glad where I am, there is
peace and harmony and the pace of life is like normal, uninterrupted,
even mundane but on hindsight, mundane is good if one compares it
to the turmoil in some parts of the world.

In Indonesia for instance, just as we speak, relatives and rescue
parties are still involved in looking for human bodies, victims of
a tsunami with about 700 deaths at the last count. Nature can be
cruel too.

In the Middle-east, there is a war. People killing people; ego
against ego. Apparently, the human race did not learn enough
from the two world wars. How can we be entrusted with protecting
the lesser species if we are not even able to protect ourselves?
What a laugh!

There is hope yet, as, still in the midst of a largely cynical,
embittered 21st-century world, it is heartening to see that deep,
personal enthusiasm for world peace is still on the agenda for many
as evidenced by the recent World Peace Congress.

Organised by prominent Tibetan lama, Lama Gangchen, and his organisation, the Lama Gangchen World Peace Foundation, the World Peace Congress, held in June, in Verbania, Italy, is now in its fourth year, and drew in guests from as far as China and Chile.

Congress patron Lama Gangchen is especially known for his extensive work in healing and dharma (Buddhist teachings), but the congress looked not so much at spirituality but at the greater pressing need for positive spiritual values – compassion, patience, generosity, love – and holistic interaction in all arenas of our contemporary life and society.

Also present at the Congress was Lama Michel. He spoke about "The positive side effects of a spiritual path".

LAMA Michel (pic), one of Lama Gangchen’s foremost disciples who was recognised at a young age as the reincarnation of a very high Lama, is only 25 years old but he spoke universal truths at the congress that would apply to anyone at any age.

“Material development is only for this life. We can’t take it with us when we die.”

If you are interested to know more about Buddhist teachings, you may want to visit Robin's Empire. Robin has just completed a two-week retreat on Buddhism and he shares some great insights.

And, on a personal positive note, hope your world is as peaceful
and as beautiful as the places in these pictures.

Bora Bora, Tahiti

Gustavia, St Bethelemy

A Harbour in Bermuda

Have a great day!

Friday, July 21, 2006

Why is Lingerie so popular?

Gotcha, didn't I? The title, I mean. This post is actually on some thought-provoking humour for a Friday morning.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

And Pandabonium added:
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all close together?

Have a really happy day!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

One for the Piggies

Today is not only Moon Day and Fortune Cookie Day, let's also
dedicate today to the Pigs or perhaps they have their own day too? Skip that ham sandwich, will ya?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Definitions Of Kiss

Professors' Definitions Of Kiss
Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:

Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the

Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in
the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the

Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital
statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child,ecstasy for the youth
and homage for the old.

Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more
common than proper; it is spoken; in the plural and it is
applicable to all.

Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

And Prof of Love, Robin:
A kiss is a necessity.

And here's what the experts say about a Kiss.

It's all in a KISS! The body part where you love to kiss most reflects your personality type. Now which part do you love to kiss most? And be honest.

1) Forehead
2) Eyes
3) Nose
4) Face
5) Ear
6) Lips
7) Neck

The following is your personality:

You have a strong passion for life and at the same time a peaceful nature. Though you are a forgiving person, you demand respect from other people. Your talents are expressed well and you have good interpersonal skills. As such, you have a fulfilling social life and your friends around you will find you to be gentle and understanding.

You are die-hard Romeo who requires lots of love and you can sacrifice everything for love as well. You express your love in a wild and passionate way. However, you are equally capable of becoming a vicious lover, manipulating your partner to achieve certain selfish goals.

In a relationship, sex is something essential to you! You value friendship, loyalty and you have a strong desire for love and sex. You are playful by nature and you cannot stay long at a place without feeling uneasy. As a result, it is very difficult for you to establish a strong foundation for your career and it is advisable that you do not change your job with no strong reasons.

You value peace above all other things and friends are very important to you. You willingly share all your prized possessions with them and you are not easily bothered if you are short-changed. Also, you have a kind heart and you try not to harbor bad thoughts about other people. Maintaining a long lasting and affectionate relationship is your forte

As a very understanding person, you can accurately guess what is on a person's mind. You posses a disposition to appreciate or share the feelings and thoughts of others. However, you can also be someone who cracks jokes at the expense of others and in wanting to achieve your goals, you can easily sacrifice others. Towards relationships, you are not affected by emotional constraints and is very expressive. Your behavior is 100% congruent with your inner feelings.

You are someone who is governed by a great sense of loyalty. When you kiss someone's lips, you are actually expressing the hope of having one true love. Always radiating an aura of confidence, you are someone with very strong moral codes.

Flirtatious by nature, you are unlikely to be someone that dreams of everla! sting love. Although your passion for things is very strong, it fades away in just a while. Even when you are no longer in love with your partner, you selfishly demand him/her to love you still. You are unlikely to have great ambitions towards your own life and you are not particular about gender roles.

In Case of Emergency

This message is making its rounds again with the recent
mishaps happening in parts of the world.

Following the disaster in London, their Ambulance Service
launched a national "In case of Emergency (ICE)" campaign.

The idea is that you store the word " I C E " in your mobile
phone address book, and against it enter the number of the
person you would want to be contacted "In Case of Emergency".

In an emergency situation, ambulance and hospital staff will
then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin is and
be able to contact him or her. It's so simple that everyone
can do it.

For more than one contact name, you could use ICE1, ICE2, ICE3, etc.

I thought this is useful to share.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Messages on Answering Machines

Do you have something better than these I could borrow?

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. Now you say something .

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need tiles, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice) Heaven, God speaking...

Greetings, you have reached the 6th Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

This is the Devil. Who in Hell do you want?

Friday, July 14, 2006

Fortune Cookie and Others

This post was actually started in the morning but more pressing matters took precedence. Anyway, I'm glad it's Friday again. Did you know that tomorrow has been designated Cow Appreciation Day? Gee, I wonder how in the world are these designations made. Who's the authority? But, no matter, it adds a little spice to life.

Well, have a jolly moo-velous day tomorrow, July 15.

And Sunday, July 16, is Ice Cream Cone Day.

July 18 is Chrysanthemum Day.
Here are two to beautify your day!

July 20 is Moon Day

July 20 is also Fortune Cookie Day.

Send a friend a fortune cookie card.

Friday, July 21, is Monkey Day. And how time flies. It is Friday again!

Happy monkeying around.

And, in case, it's your birthday today, July 14,

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm 100 and a Half

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS !!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

Source unknown

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Brain-teaser & Clever Ads

Gee, I am sapped today so I shall let you do the thinking.
Here's a brain-teaser.

And now you can sit back and enjoy these clever ads.


Source unknown

Tuesday, July 11, 2006