Monday, July 17, 2006

Messages on Answering Machines

Do you have something better than these I could borrow?

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. Now you say something .

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need tiles, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charities through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice) Heaven, God speaking...

Greetings, you have reached the 6th Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

This is the Devil. Who in Hell do you want?


  1. Hello. Our militia has tied up the evil criminals who live in this home. At the sound of the tone, our bomb will detonate, killing them all. If you still want to leave a message, it's your wasted breath...

  2. Greetings. I am a telephone answering machine. Right now I am in direct contact with your telephone, which I guess means your phone and I are having sex. If you want to leave a message, start talking at the sound of the tone, and please...feel free to talk for a looooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggg time! Oh, my god, YES!!!!!

  3. Hello. This is the, I mean a t-telephone answering machine! Yes, that's it. Um, I don't have anything to do with the NSA at all. No. Uh, I'm not FBI or CIA, either. Nope. Uh-uh. I'm just a typical, er, uh, everyday, um, answering machine! Yes, that's it! Anyway, at the sound of the tone, please leave your name, phone number, reason for calling, number of times you've called this number during the past month, number of overseas phone calls made during the past month, and total amount of money sent via bank transfer anywhere in the world over the past four years. Oh, you might also want to tell, me your current political party affiliation and whether you have participated in any kind of mean anti-war activities during the term of the current president. Okay? Um...start talking at the sound of the tone. Oh, and by the way, did I mention that I'm just a typical telephone answering machine and have nothing whatever to do with the NSA? Thank you.

  4. Hello. I'm a prophetic answering machine. I already know what you're going to say, so don't bother. The tone is just a formality. Good day.

  5. Pandabonium does not take calls. Please call the Moody Minstrel at 555-1212.

  6. Actual message I had on my machine in Hawaii - I spoke very quickly:

    You've reached the Pandabonium control tower. weather 2000 scattered, visibility 10, wind 020 at 18, temperature 82 dewpoint 65, landing and departing runways 2 and 5. All the Pandas are out flying around right now, but we're sure land soon, so wait for the tone, leave your name, message and tail number and we'll try not leave you in the holding pattern too long.

    In the background you could hear a plane flying by.

    Most people liked it, a few thought it was corny (those got no return call).

  7. PinkPanther doesn't take her phone call right now..Please call at Hotline 555-1212 too..(L.O.L.)

    B.T.W. I like this one:
    Twinkle, Twinkle little star,
    bet your wondering where we are?
    Well, put your mouth up to the phone
    And leave us a message for when we get home.
    And if you can make your message rhyme,
    We'll call you back in half the time!!!!!

  8. Hi, the message you're about to record cost Agus 60 cents to retreive. So you can be damn sure he won't get it. Please hang up now and save your own change.

  9. Why am I getting all these calls all of a sudden?

  10. Hello, you've reached Pandabonium and K's residence. Although Momo is here and speaks seven different languages, she is not allowed to use the phone in our absence. Please wait for the tone....

  11. MM, Pandabonium, Wow! Your creativity is running full blast. Thanks for the laugh. I'll be sure to call 555-1212. LOL!

    PP, that's a cute one. haha!

    Agus, that's a clever way to have the ladies show up in person instead of calling. hehe...

    Poor Momo, you are not allowed to use the phone if Panda and K are not around? You poor thing!

  12. How about:

    You just called Heaven, please sing like an angel :)

  13. haha! Robin, you'd probably get a message that says, "Dear God Robin, please grant me all my wishes" and you could start playing God then.