Ooh, this is great! Do you wanna know how bitchy you are?
Joe so kindly shared this little test in my previous post which is along the same subject matter. Thank you, Joe.
I've just done the test and I think I'm not normal - getting a score of 5.
But don't be fooled. I can be quite, quite the opposite.
Oh, okay, here's what it says...
"Congratulations, you had a low score on the bitch test and appear to be a decent person! You're not necessarily verging on sainthood, but we can safely assume that you have a basic respect for others and an acceptable sense of decorum. You try your best to maintain a certain level of etiquette, and control yourself even when tempted to stab someone in the back or settle a few scores. You are able to calm yourself down and think rationally rather than giving into the first animalistic urge to "attack". Sure, you may slip up from time to time, but you're only human! So wear those angel wings with pride - the world needs more civilized folk like you."
Someone once commented that I need more fire in my life.
He's probably right.
Enjoy the test.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Puppy, I am not
Whoever wrote this, is one helluva b****. Truth of the matter is,
it is true, really, really true. Go ahead, read it for yourself.
What amazes me is that only WOMEN get to be branded such. Have
you ever heard a guy being branded so? You have? Hmm... we're
not so alone afterall.
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
Now that's better!
it is true, really, really true. Go ahead, read it for yourself.
What amazes me is that only WOMEN get to be branded such. Have
you ever heard a guy being branded so? You have? Hmm... we're
not so alone afterall.
BITCHOLOGY
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish. It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch , so be it. I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
Now that's better!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Physiotherapist
Mr. Physio was an intelligent boy. After doing a physiotherapy
course abroad for 3 years, he returned home and set up a clinic
in his hometown.
He asked a designer to make a new name plate to be hung on the
wall outside the clinic. The next morning, when he went to his
clinic, he was pleased to find that the name plate was already
put up. But he was greatly annoyed by the wordings on the plate:
TUKANG URUT.
He went to the designer and took him to task.
"How can you insult my profession? 'Tukang Urut' means masseur
in Malay. I am a physiotherapist and not a masseur!
Make sure you change the name right now and see that the word
is spelt correctly!" Physio said angrily.
The designer apologized and promised to make the change
immediately. Without further delay, he proceed to change the
name but found that the word "physiotherapist' was too long.
So he broke it up into three words to make it easier to read.
The next morning, Physio hit the roof when he saw the new name.
On the name plate was written:
Party Time
Look Ma! I'm all prettied up for the party.
Dressing up your pets is one thing but what about stripping
them of their fur? I feel sorry for this poor cat. Would you
do this to your pet?
Dressing up your pets is one thing but what about stripping
them of their fur? I feel sorry for this poor cat. Would you
do this to your pet?
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Female Dictionary
Have you guys ever wondered why it's rather difficult
at times communicating with your womenfolk? No worries,
here's a guide to help you gain more understanding.
Actully, we women are easy to understand. Really.
Come on. Stay focussed! Nevermind those legs!
"Fine"
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument
that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause
you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your ootball game is going to last before you take out
the rubbish, so they eel that it's an even trade.
"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is sually used to describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards,
or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care".
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and
she will stay content.
Hey guys! Concentrate. Not the picture. Jeez!
"Oh!"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example;
"Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about that
you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement,
RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the
window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or
you will get raised eyebrows, "Go ahead", followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is
that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word
"Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow and
"Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay".
"Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".
"Thanks A Lot!!"
This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot!!" when she is REALLY pi*sed off at you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will
only tell you "Nothing".
Source unknown
at times communicating with your womenfolk? No worries,
here's a guide to help you gain more understanding.
Actully, we women are easy to understand. Really.
Come on. Stay focussed! Nevermind those legs!
"Fine"
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument
that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause
you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your ootball game is going to last before you take out
the rubbish, so they eel that it's an even trade.
"Nothing"
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is sually used to describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, backwards,
or all three. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset
over Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care".
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about
"Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement
very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and
she will stay content.
Hey guys! Concentrate. Not the picture. Jeez!
"Oh!"
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example;
"Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about that
you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement,
RUN (do not walk) to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the
window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or
you will get raised eyebrows, "Go ahead", followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
"That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is
that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word
"Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow and
"Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a
"That's Okay".
"Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "you're welcome".
"Thanks A Lot!!"
This is very different to "Thanks". A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot!!" when she is REALLY pi*sed off at you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will
only tell you "Nothing".
Source unknown
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
This, I found from my archives. I'm a sucker for articles
like these so you can imagine the gems (I like to call it that)
I have in my almost 4GB of stuff in my PC. Oops!!
So, here is the age-old time-immemorial simple question.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The common logical answer is of course, to get to the other side.
But consider the various categories of people in this world and
the genius in them would give interesting different answers.
Check them out. Btw, this wasn't drafted by me, so please,
don't hold it against me for what chicken-sh*t you're about
to read below.
A N S W E R S
=============
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
>> To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE:
>> It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
RONALD REAGAN:
>> I forget.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:
>> Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (P! IM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital
and experiences to align the chicken people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework.
Andersen convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills
in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabl! ing and creating an
impactful environment whic h was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,
vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
>> The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD:
>> Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?
BILL GATES:
>> I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
MAHATHIR:
>> You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama'
chicken-chicken bisnes.... the foreign powers should stop
intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our
chickens alone..... if they want to...'apa nama'
cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road ..
Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do
whatever they want to do....as long as they don't threaten the
malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan
to do so...we wont hesitate to use the ISA...
ABDULLAH BADAWI:
>> Ini semua ! adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya khabar
- khaba r angin ini semua...biasalah ini adalah taktik
pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam - ayam
semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....
SAMY VELLU :
>> ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kalu itu ayam mau pigi
jalan-jalan,beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey
banyak toll........
COLONEL SANDERS:
>> I missed one?
like these so you can imagine the gems (I like to call it that)
I have in my almost 4GB of stuff in my PC. Oops!!
So, here is the age-old time-immemorial simple question.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
The common logical answer is of course, to get to the other side.
But consider the various categories of people in this world and
the genius in them would give interesting different answers.
Check them out. Btw, this wasn't drafted by me, so please,
don't hold it against me for what chicken-sh*t you're about
to read below.
A N S W E R S
=============
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER:
>> To get to the other side.
ARISTOTLE:
>> It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
RONALD REAGAN:
>> I forget.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT:
>> Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening
its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped
the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
and implementation processes.
Using the Poultry Integration Model (P! IM), Andersen helped
the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital
and experiences to align the chicken people, processes and
technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework.
Andersen convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and
best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills
in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was
held in a park-like setting, enabl! ing and creating an
impactful environment whic h was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,
vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the
creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen
helped the chicken change to become more successful.
RICHARD M. NIXON:
>> The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD:
>> Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking
around all over the place, anyway?
BILL GATES:
>> I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook.
MAHATHIR:
>> You know, I am tired of all this..'apa-nama'
chicken-chicken bisnes.... the foreign powers should stop
intervening in our domestic affairs and just leave our
chickens alone..... if they want to...'apa nama'
cross the road, they should be allowed to cross the road ..
Malaysia is a democratic country,we let our chickens do
whatever they want to do....as long as they don't threaten the
malay unity and try to topple the government...and if they plan
to do so...we wont hesitate to use the ISA...
ABDULLAH BADAWI:
>> Ini semua ! adalah khabar angin sahaja...jangan percaya khabar
- khaba r angin ini semua...biasalah ini adalah taktik
pembangkang untuk memecah belahkan perpaduan ayam - ayam
semua...jangan percaya..jangan percaya....
SAMY VELLU :
>> ayyooyoo...belakang cerita lain kali, kalu itu ayam mau pigi
jalan-jalan,beritau sama saya juga, saya bolley buat lebbey
banyak toll........
COLONEL SANDERS:
>> I missed one?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
More World Cup - Go! England Go!
I know, I know, I'm a day late in celebrating England's win over
Ecuador but a win is still a win no matter the time.
England 1; Ecuador 0.
There were comments that it was a boring game. By boring,
they probably meant not enough goals to make the game exciting.
Not to me. One single goal was all it took to win in this case.
I'm sure the England team supporters would agree with me.
If you missed the game, this is how the ball went in
made possible by David Beckham, the team captain, who now holds the record of scoring in three World Cups for England.
David Beckham at the game
More of David Beckham (an overkill perhaps but I'm sure
the ladies don't mind.)
While we're at the World Cup, in 1998 Ricky Martin made it big
with his World Cup 1998 song, "The Cup of Life". And there
were some who also got to enjoy some degree of fame then.
Here we go! Ale, Ale Ale! Go, go, go! Ale, Ale Ale!
Ecuador but a win is still a win no matter the time.
England 1; Ecuador 0.
There were comments that it was a boring game. By boring,
they probably meant not enough goals to make the game exciting.
Not to me. One single goal was all it took to win in this case.
I'm sure the England team supporters would agree with me.
If you missed the game, this is how the ball went in
made possible by David Beckham, the team captain, who now holds the record of scoring in three World Cups for England.David Beckham at the game
More of David Beckham (an overkill perhaps but I'm sure
the ladies don't mind.)
While we're at the World Cup, in 1998 Ricky Martin made it big
with his World Cup 1998 song, "The Cup of Life". And there
were some who also got to enjoy some degree of fame then.
Here we go! Ale, Ale Ale! Go, go, go! Ale, Ale Ale!
Sewing Machine
A Comedy of Errors
--The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which
appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying
to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.
Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after
7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in
the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves
with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
--The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which
appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying
to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY:
For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives
with him cheap.
TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.
Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after
7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in
the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows:
"For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap.
Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves
with him."
THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I
intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly.
Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Monday, June 26, 2006
A History lesson
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger
of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger
it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers
at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say
(like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had
to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow),
the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually
changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that
the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything.
Source unknown
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger
of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger
it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew"
(or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers
at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!
PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this
symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say
(like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker," which is who you had
to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow),
the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually
changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often
used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that
the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew all thought yew knew everything.
Source unknown
Poetry - The Truth
Good morning.
What better way to start the week than to be truthful -
with the help of a little poetry. Nah, it's more like a
"dream-on" his-and-her poem.
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge teats
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
No matter.
Have a really lovely, lovely week ahead.
(For more poetry, you may want to check out Joe's poetic world.)
What better way to start the week than to be truthful -
with the help of a little poetry. Nah, it's more like a
"dream-on" his-and-her poem.
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge teats
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
No matter.
Have a really lovely, lovely week ahead.
(For more poetry, you may want to check out Joe's poetic world.)
Friday, June 23, 2006
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure
how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone,
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about
40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet
from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so;
He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think -
could be very much within us..! SO don't always blame others
for the things that you may lack.
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure
how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone,
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about
40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet
from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so;
He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think -
could be very much within us..! SO don't always blame others
for the things that you may lack.
Women drivers
I've often wondered as to whether there's any justification
for blaming women drivers when it comes to 'adventures' of
the road. You tell me.
I think women drivers are great, don't you?
for blaming women drivers when it comes to 'adventures' of
the road. You tell me.
I think women drivers are great, don't you?
Thursday, June 22, 2006
How to tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
How to Stay Forever Young
There is a lot of wisdom here - things we tend to take for granted
or things that are so simple that we overlook. Nice cheerful
illustrations too.
How to Stay Forever Young
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight
and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why
you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and
Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with you your entire
life, is yourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love
whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health.
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? LOL
But do share it with someone. =o)
or things that are so simple that we overlook. Nice cheerful
illustrations too.
How to Stay Forever Young
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight
and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why
you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
(Keep this In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever.
Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and
Lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with you your entire
life, is yourself. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love
whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health.
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And if you don't send this to at least 4 people - who cares? LOL
But do share it with someone. =o)
The real truth about men's feelings
A little wisdom from my 'favourite' male colleague:
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are
the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
o Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.
Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. o Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
o Subtle hints do not work!
o Strong hints do not work!
o Obvious hints do not work!
o JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. o You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
o Not both
o If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. o ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
o Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
o We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine, Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as:
- Sex,
- Sport, or
- Cars
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really
don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are
the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:
o Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.
Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. o Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
o Subtle hints do not work!
o Strong hints do not work!
o Obvious hints do not work!
o JUST SAY IT!
1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. o You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done
o Not both
o If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. o ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
o Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
o We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine, Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as:
- Sex,
- Sport, or
- Cars
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really
don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
World Cup Again
With the World Cup still raging on, thought I'd post some
related stuff for some laughs. First up is this cartoon.
Malaysia is currently experiencing a sugar shortage thus
the goal here is either the World Cup or the Coffee Cup.
Then, there's this guide for burning off those calories packed on
from potato chips and teh tarik or those late night suppers at the
mamak stall. A good guide this one.
And finally, these
Tips for World Cup widows
EVER since the World Cup kicked off on June 9, millions of women across the world have been forced to share their husbands and boyfriends with a seductive rival: football.
It is a testing time but relationships do survive the World Cup. All it takes is skilful tactics and fair play.
Here are eight ways for women to take men on at their own game
1. Join them: One way not to feel left out is to become a supporter yourself. If you know nothing about football, Soccer Tips for Dummies by Michael Lewis may help you get the hang of the offside rule or try The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup for some insights on what makes your man tick.
Alternatively, get your partner to talk you through it and explain the rules.
2. Play away:
3. Play fair:
4. Stand by your fan:
5. Enjoy the spectacle from the sidelines:
6. Get the whole team involved:
7. Don’t cry foul:
8. The secret is not to worry.
You can go here for details.
Source: The Star
related stuff for some laughs. First up is this cartoon.
Malaysia is currently experiencing a sugar shortage thus
the goal here is either the World Cup or the Coffee Cup.
Then, there's this guide for burning off those calories packed on
from potato chips and teh tarik or those late night suppers at the
mamak stall. A good guide this one.
And finally, these
Tips for World Cup widows
EVER since the World Cup kicked off on June 9, millions of women across the world have been forced to share their husbands and boyfriends with a seductive rival: football.
It is a testing time but relationships do survive the World Cup. All it takes is skilful tactics and fair play.
Here are eight ways for women to take men on at their own game
1. Join them: One way not to feel left out is to become a supporter yourself. If you know nothing about football, Soccer Tips for Dummies by Michael Lewis may help you get the hang of the offside rule or try The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup for some insights on what makes your man tick.
Alternatively, get your partner to talk you through it and explain the rules.
2. Play away:
3. Play fair:
4. Stand by your fan:
5. Enjoy the spectacle from the sidelines:
6. Get the whole team involved:
7. Don’t cry foul:
8. The secret is not to worry.
You can go here for details.
Source: The Star
The Spoon
This is a forwarded article. Not sure if it's a joke but
it sure makes you wonder. Enjoy it anyway.
Last week we took some friends out to a new Italian restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon
in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the bus boy brought out water and utensils, I
noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked
around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners recently hired
XYZ Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp
all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis,
they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more
often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency
of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 5 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon the
next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip
to right now."
I was rather impressed. I then noticed that there was a very
thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around,
I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me once more,
and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm
I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it, and
that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . .if the string helps you get it
out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon."
it sure makes you wonder. Enjoy it anyway.
Last week we took some friends out to a new Italian restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon
in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the bus boy brought out water and utensils, I
noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked
around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners recently hired
XYZ Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp
all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis,
they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more
often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency
of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel
are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the
number of trips back to the kitchen and save 5 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon the
next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip
to right now."
I was rather impressed. I then noticed that there was a very
thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around,
I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me once more,
and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me,
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm
I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it, and
that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the
time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . .if the string helps you get it
out, how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Paul McCartney turns 64
Happy Birthday, Paul, and many happy returns.
Today, June 18, is Paul McCartney's birthday. He turns 64.
Thought I'd post some articles that the media has put together
to commemorate this milestone of this great musician's life.
Paul McCartney, ladies and gentlemen:
When I'm Sixty-four
The Columbian...
Landmark Birthday Sunday for Paul McCartney
Jun 16, 6:28 PM EDT
By JILL LAWLESS
Associated Press Writer
LONDON (AP) -- About 14,000 yesterdays have passed since Paul McCartney first mused about turning 64. Sunday, he can stop musing.
The Beatles' groundbreaking 1967 album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" made room for the more mundane McCartney song "When I'm Sixty-Four," in which he wondered about ... well, his golden years. "When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now," he crooned.More...
The Post Chronicle...
Paul McCartney Turns 64
by UPI Wire
Jun 18, 2006
PEASMARSH, England - June 18, 2006 (UPI) -- British rock legend and composer of the Beatles' song "When I'm 64," Sir Paul McCartney turned 64 Sunday.
The singer made the age a milestone when he sang "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?" in 1967 on the album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." More...
The Star...
For Paul McCartney, 'many years from now' is this month
By MARK CARO
He's not losing his hair, though colour seems to be an issue.
He does have grandchildren, though no Vera, Chuck or Dave.
He has been known to do a little gardening work, "digging the weed," so to speak. In fact, one of his multiple marijuana busts was for growing the stuff on his Scotland farm back in the early 70s. More...
Spaceref...
Paul even got a tribute of a non-earthly kind:
A Saturnian Musical Celebration to Honor Paul McCartney
PRESS RELEASE
Date Released: Sunday, June 18, 2006
Source: Space Science Institute
On the occasion of Paul McCartney's landmark 64th birthday, the Cassini Imaging Central Laboratory for Operations (CICLOPS) is releasing today an 8-minute movie as a birthday gift to the former Beatle. Sixty-four of the most dramatic and spectacular images taken by NASA's Cassini spacecraft, including one mosaic from the European-built Huygens probe of the surface of Titan, are composed together in a cinematic voyage through the Saturn system and put to the music of the Beatles.
More...
And then there are these
64 things you should know about Paul McCartney
Fred Shuster and Rob Lowman / Los Angeles Daily News
Sixty-four must have seemed like forever at 16.
That was the age that Paul McCartney says he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four," the dance-hall ditty that appeared on the 1967 Beatles album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
Today, the rock icon does turn 64, and he certainly doesn't have to worry about losing his hair, if someone will feed him, need him or send him a birthday greeting.
More...
Wanna hear the song again? Here it is...
Today, June 18, is Paul McCartney's birthday. He turns 64.
Thought I'd post some articles that the media has put together
to commemorate this milestone of this great musician's life.
Paul McCartney, ladies and gentlemen:
When I'm Sixty-four
The Columbian...
Landmark Birthday Sunday for Paul McCartney
Jun 16, 6:28 PM EDT
By JILL LAWLESS
Associated Press Writer
LONDON (AP) -- About 14,000 yesterdays have passed since Paul McCartney first mused about turning 64. Sunday, he can stop musing.
The Beatles' groundbreaking 1967 album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" made room for the more mundane McCartney song "When I'm Sixty-Four," in which he wondered about ... well, his golden years. "When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now," he crooned.More...
The Post Chronicle...
Paul McCartney Turns 64
by UPI Wire
Jun 18, 2006
PEASMARSH, England - June 18, 2006 (UPI) -- British rock legend and composer of the Beatles' song "When I'm 64," Sir Paul McCartney turned 64 Sunday.
The singer made the age a milestone when he sang "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?" in 1967 on the album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band." More...
The Star...
For Paul McCartney, 'many years from now' is this month
By MARK CARO
He's not losing his hair, though colour seems to be an issue.
He does have grandchildren, though no Vera, Chuck or Dave.
He has been known to do a little gardening work, "digging the weed," so to speak. In fact, one of his multiple marijuana busts was for growing the stuff on his Scotland farm back in the early 70s. More...
Spaceref...
Paul even got a tribute of a non-earthly kind:
A Saturnian Musical Celebration to Honor Paul McCartney
PRESS RELEASE
Date Released: Sunday, June 18, 2006
Source: Space Science Institute
On the occasion of Paul McCartney's landmark 64th birthday, the Cassini Imaging Central Laboratory for Operations (CICLOPS) is releasing today an 8-minute movie as a birthday gift to the former Beatle. Sixty-four of the most dramatic and spectacular images taken by NASA's Cassini spacecraft, including one mosaic from the European-built Huygens probe of the surface of Titan, are composed together in a cinematic voyage through the Saturn system and put to the music of the Beatles.
More...
And then there are these
64 things you should know about Paul McCartney
Fred Shuster and Rob Lowman / Los Angeles Daily News
Sixty-four must have seemed like forever at 16.
That was the age that Paul McCartney says he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four," the dance-hall ditty that appeared on the 1967 Beatles album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."
Today, the rock icon does turn 64, and he certainly doesn't have to worry about losing his hair, if someone will feed him, need him or send him a birthday greeting.
More...
Wanna hear the song again? Here it is...
Friday, June 16, 2006
FIFA World Cup
Yes!!! England is through to the second round after
beating Trinidad and Tobago 2-0. England actually gave me a scare.
Did they you too?
England join Ecuador and Germany while Sweden also celebrate.
Picture source: The Star
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Best Police Cars in the World
You've seen Robin's line-up of taxis in Bangkok, now see
the line-up of best Police cars in the world.
German police car...Lamborgini..gallardo..max speed 320km/hr
Japan...Lancer Evo IX..max speed 280km/hr
France ..Peugeot...sports gt
Spain .....Audi TT max speed 280km/hr
England ....Porsche .....Do I have to tell the speed
Source unknown
the line-up of best Police cars in the world.
German police car...Lamborgini..gallardo..max speed 320km/hr
Japan...Lancer Evo IX..max speed 280km/hr
France ..Peugeot...sports gt
Spain .....Audi TT max speed 280km/hr
England ....Porsche .....Do I have to tell the speed
Source unknown
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Dead Duck
Most times we take action based on just one opinion but
at times, we need a second, even a third to convince us.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment
or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry,
your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure.
The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she
protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few
moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and
back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys,
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried.
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Woooof! Woof!
Meoowwww..........
at times, we need a second, even a third to convince us.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment
or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry,
your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure.
The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she
protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or
anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on
his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and
sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet
with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few
moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and
back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said,
this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys,
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's
owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried.
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and
the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Woooof! Woof!
Meoowwww..........
Believe it or not
During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool
you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect
contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents
of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance
of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily, you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
Did I hear someone saying "I'm never leaving the house again after reading this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
you will ingest 1/12 litre of urine.
In an average day your hands will have come into indirect
contact with 15 penises (touching door handles etc.)
An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs
In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have
recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents
of your dirty linen basket.
At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance
of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Daily, you will breath in 1 litre of other peoples' anal gases.
Did I hear someone saying "I'm never leaving the house again after reading this one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?"
HAVE A GREAT DAY!
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