Manchester United 1, Barcelona 0

I slept late last night, err... this morning, actually.

I was among Manchester United fans around the world who joined the fortunate 75,000 or so at Old Trafford in celebrating the Champions League semi-final win over Barcelona this morning, Malaysia time.

Final score: Manchester United 1, Barecelona 0
The Hero: Paul Scholes

Yes!! Next stop: Moscow for the finals. This one promises great excitement as it's going to be an all-England final between Manchester United and either Chelsea or Liverpool.


Picture source: manutd.com

Reaching out to the needy

Has this been a long, hard day? You probably need this.


Dear Pastor,

I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"

So I did...




I won't be in church this Sunday...




Source unknown

Mary Kate Olsen

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Indeed!
This look. Love it? Hate it?

In case you didn't recognise her, she's Mary Kate Olsen of the Olsen twins who made it into the list of 25 Most Stylish Couples. Enough said about her.


By the way, that headgear is by Marc Jacobs. If you've been to the Marc Jocobs store in Suria KLCC, you would have noticed a big poster of Victoria Beckham aka Posh Spice, in one of Marc Jacobs headgear creations. Again, you'd either love it or hate it.

Ah Beng's e-Meow

Someone needs Engrish lessons here. If there's something or someone that's the bane of the English language, it most certainly must be Ah Beng.

Ah Beng is an imaginary local dude of Chinese origin, who has limited grasp of the English language and who makes you roll in laughter with his antics and his logic. Together with his girlfriend, Ah Lian , you'd be sure to have endless side-splitting moments. For starters, let's see what Ah Beng has to say to Ah Lian in his e-Meow, I mean email.


Dear Ah Lian

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything? For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?
Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, He take I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he take we all go to kalah ok.

Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari. My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So You must come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me.
Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me. I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call me. Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

2000th Post

This is my 2000th post. Yep, Post # 2000!

Can't imagine I've been yadda-yadda-ing for so long. Hmm... 2000, if it were to be my weight (2000 pounds), I wouldn't be able to go through the door, any door, I'd need to be carried around. Ants would be avoiding even my shadow, I'd empty the jacuzzi just by stepping in. Life would be miserable.

Definitely no other way than to go on a strict diet and would have to try out every diet formula, such as Fenphedra or some other magic potion to get me back into my regular tight jeans and minis.

Okay. Stop!! Imagined fat is making me berserk!

Friday Frolics: What Kind of Monster Are You?

Here's a Vampire looking for a Werewolf to play with.
Happy weekend, everyone!

You Are A Vampire

You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist. And you're not afraid to walk alone in life, if it means getting what you truly crave. You truly enjoy entrancing people. Not to mention the ensuing pleasures of the flesh. Your tastes have been called decadent and bizarre. You usually give in to your temptations, no matter how primal Your greatest power: Your flawless ability to seduce and charm Your greatest weakness: Human flesh You play well with: Werewolves

What Kind of Monster Are You?

More Friday Frolics

New Lifestyle Diet Program

There is no shortage of diet programs out there for people who are watching weight. I recently came across this New Lifestyle Diet method. While the immediate goal of the program is to ensure that you rapidly lose weight, their bigger goal is to ensure that you have the skills for keeping it off for the rest of your life. As they put it, they want to ensure that this is the last program you will ever need.

This New Lifestyle Diet program involves you being provided with a comprehensive set of lesson plans each week via email. This will not only give you the opportunity to think about the issues in your own life, you will also be provided with the skills for overcoming past behaviors and developing new ones that are critical to long-term weight loss success. You will also be provided with a detailed 6-week transition and maintenance strategy for when you reach your goal weight. The transition and maintenance strategy is a key part of your overall success and just the beginning of a very exciting new chapter in your life.

All diet plans ensure that the diet is nutritionally-balanced. The New Lifestyle Diet is no different. It is a portion-controlled, nutritionally balanced fast weight loss program that allows your body to rapidly lose weight, by burning fat for energy. Their Women’s and Men’s programs are nutritionally balanced and formulated with a proven combination of calories, carbohydrates, and protein, ensuring that fast weight loss will be achieved, while still maintaining lean muscle.

A Women's Program would look something like this:



and the Men's Program would be something like this:



- Take 1 Multivitamin and drink at least 8 cups of water or non-caloric beverage daily

- Pudding/Shakes, Puddings, Hot Soups, Hot Drinks, Oatmeal, Cereal, and Smoothies are interchangeable and can be customized as part of the program to include your favorite flavors.

Kidney patients to avoid star-fruits

There is a Chinese saying that even if you live to a hundred, you would still be able to learn of new things, or something like that.

Recently, a 66-year-old Malaysian gentleman on a visit to Shenzhen fell into a coma after eating star-fruits. Two others have died after eating the fruit. This news is truly disturbing as star-fruits are common in this part of the world too and there has not been any reported incident of death of its consumption. What then is the reason for this scare?

It was found that Star fruit can be toxic for kidney patients. The deceased was a kidney patient and had been undergoing dialysis. The article stated that All it takes is one fruit or 100ml of juice and the ordinarily harmless star fruit becomes poison in a matter of hours for kidney patients.

“The public must be alert to reactions to star fruit. Look out for initial symptoms including hiccups, numbness and weakness and neurological symptoms including confusion, agitation and epileptic fits,” warned a consultant nephrologist Prof Dr Tan Si-Yen.

Star-fruit is known in the west as carambola. To quote Wikipedia, The carambola is a species of tree native to Indonesia, India and Sri Lanka and is popular throughout Southeast Asia, Trinidad, Malaysia and parts of East Asia. It is also grown in Dominican Republic, Brazil, Peru, Ghana, Guyana, Samoa, Tonga, Taiwan, French Polynesia, Costa Rica and Australia. Carambola is commercially grown in the United States in south Florida and Hawaii. It is closely related to the bilimbi.

This bilimbi is sometimes used in cooking for its sourness. It is also eaten as a fruit though not many is able to stomach it as it is extremely sour. It can actually give you a kick.

Mother Earth is Dying

Yesterday, April 22, was Earth Day. To most of us, Earth Day means nothing though we are aware that the weather we are experiencing is not what it used to be.

Here in Kuala Lumpur, it's been raining torrents the past few days which we have not experienced previously. I had a chat with our company gardener today and he said that his sister in India is not able to plant the usual crops which have been planted all these years at this time of the year. This is because the grounds are too soggy with too much rainfall. People like her are the ones who feel it most when their livelihood is threatened.

Global-warming is a big issue right now and everyone is affected whether we like it or not. Icebergs in Greenland are melting at an alarming rate, land-masses are exposed due to the retreating ice and glaciers are shedding ice into the ocean.



Two days ago, a river embankment in a district in Muar collapsed. Vehicles were seen falling into the river. I remember reading sometime back that Muar, being low-lying, might one day be overrun by water, meaning that Muar may no longer exist. Scary thought this piece of news. Cities are now at risk of rising waters and which cities do you think are at most risk? Check out MSN's list of 10 US cities most at risk.



The stark truth is, the Earth is dying and it's up to everyone of us to do our part to save her. We really have no choice. It's not like we have somewhere else to go to.

Let's Go Green. Here are some ideas to get us started:
13 easy, inexpensive ways to go green
Don’t be a drip: Conserve water
Going Green on the Cheap

Source: MSN

Sacred Flame of The Beijing Olympics reaches Kuala Lumpur

Oh dear! It was raining cats and dogs just when the torch relay was going on. The relay started from Dataran Merdeka (Independence Square) at 2:00pm and scheduled to reach the Petronas Twin Towers four hours later where it will be celebrated with a grand ceremony.

Time-check: 6:30pm now. It must have been a havoc in the heavy downpour. It's still raining but at a lesser intensity.

Kuala Lumpur is the thirteenth stop of the 2008 worldwide Olympic torch relay outside of the Chinese mainland.

This is the OCM president Tunku Tan Sri Imran Tuanku Ja’afar, who is the first torchbearer in Kuala Lumpur.

Kuala Lumpur's 10.8 km route passes through key historic and tourist sites in the city. Among the eighty torchbearers scheduled for the run, members of the country's government, various athletes, and celebrities will carry the sacred flame, including former Olympic competitors Cheah Soon Kit, Yap Kim Hock, Jalani Razif, Rashid Razif, and current women's world number one squash player Nicol David.

This is the planned route for the torch relay.



Source: torchrelay.beijing2008.cn/en

State-of-the-Art Something

Chances are we normally believe what the optician tells us after an eye examination. Right? After a friend's episode, I'm now having second thoughts.

K had her eye-sight checked and was told she has perfect vision. However, we both know better. K actually needs glasses but is risking her life (and others') driving around without any. Well, so much for professional opinion or state-of-the-art equipment.


State-of-the-art?

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

A Fool and His Money......

Yesterday I received an SMS in the local language congratulating me that my SIM card had won me RM30,000 in cash from Petronas and I was given a 15-digit number to call to claim the prize money. Sender: hotlink.

Oh no, you don't! Of course, I ignored the message. No way is that fat amount of money falling on my lap just like that. This is not the first time such an SMS was received. I got one almost like that several months ago. A friend said that this is a current scam going on right now.

When it comes to scams, people fall prey all the time. Just a few days ago, a girlfriend confided that she lost her money (she did not say how much) in one. She was told she had won some money and that they would like to transfer it to her bank account. Happy about her windfall, this unsuspecting, elated girlfriend of mine gladly provided her debit card number and wham all her cash in there was gone.

Up to today, those scam letters are still coming from Africa. I recently received one and I stand to benefit millions and millions of US dollars if I help them claim the money and bring it out of the country. Oh well........

Do you have any lessons learned to share?

Technology Terms

In a recent post, I talked about translation of IT terms from English to the local language. Though it is not impossible to do so, the end-results from literal translation can turn out to be rather hilarious or disastrous, whichever is the case.

I was listening to a discussion among IT folks in the office the other day in which dos command line was brought up. I wonder how would that be translated to the local language.

Friday Frolics: What Kind of Music Are You?

Another Friday is here again. What's in store for you over the weekend? Malaysia's weather here (though it's been alternating between sunshine in the early part of the day and rain in the afternoons or evenings these past week) allows for various outdoor activities all year round.

A friend is joining a company Treasure Hunt to Lumut this weekend. A little geography, Lumut is a coastal town on the west coast of Peninsula Malaysia. It's the disembarkation town to the popular resort of Pangkor Island across the Straits of Malacca. I hope the weather will be good to them. And last weekend, several colleagues attended Celine Dion's concert at Stadium Negara. The house was packed. Among the audience was the Agong (the King), and Siti Nurhaliza, the country's pop princess.

Talk about music, if you were to be associated to a kind of music, what kind of music do you think you are? Do the quiz below and find out.

HappySurfer is Classical Music

You are a somewhat serious person who enjoys studying subjects deeply. Art of all kinds interests you, and a good piece of art can really effect you emotionally. You are inspired by human achievement, and you appreciate work that takes years to accomplish. For you, the finer things in life are not about snobbery - they're about quality.

What Kind of Music Are You?

More Quizzes

Never Mess with a Grandma

lol

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Source unknown

26 Tax-Saving Moves

Applicable to Malaysian tax-payers only.

The deadline for submission of Income Tax returns is end of April, i.e., April 30. Most of us would have submitted the forms but for those who have yet to, here are some tax-saving tips you might be able to benefit from.

I have no idea who compiled these but it's stated that these are legal and permitted by Inland Revenue Board (IRB). In fact, if you have a copy of the guideline booklet issued by the IRB, you'd also be able to make your own deductions on permitted and effective ways to save on your taxes.


(Legal and permitted by Inland Revenue Board (IRB))

1) Save for your Child’s Education

Since 2007, any amount that is deposited into a savings account for your child under National Education Savings Scheme ( Skim Simpanan Pendidikan Nasional ) allows you to claim tax deductions.

There is a limit of RM 3,000 for this deduction but spouse who file separate tax returns can each claim this amount.

..Tax Deduction : RM 3,000 per individual.

..For Mr. A : As he falls in the 24% tax bracket, this deduction translates to a tax saving of RM 720 ( RM 3,000@24%).

2) File separate tax returns

...Continue reading 26 Tax-Saving Moves

Law of the Garbage Truck

Over time, man has fabricated many laws. There's Murphy's law (if anything can go wrong, it will), then there is Parkinson's Law (work expands to fill the time available), etc., and of course, there's the in-laws. Oops! But this one law here, is most useful in our everyday life, and that is

LAW OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK - Let the garbage go by…
By David J. Pollay

How often do you let other people's nonsense change your mood? Do you let a bad driver, rude waiter, curt boss, or an insensitive employee ruin your day? Unless you're the Terminator, for an instant you're probably set back on your heels. However, the mark of a successful person is how quickly she can get back her focus on what's important.

Sixteen years ago I learned this lesson. I learned it in the back of a New York City taxi cab. Here's what happened.
I hopped in a taxi, and we took off for Grand Central Station. We were driving in the right lane when all of a sudden, and I mean without warning, a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded and missed the other car's back end by just inches.

Here's what happened next. The driver of the other car, the guy who almost caused a big accident, whipped his head around and he started yelling bad words at us. How do I know? Ask any New Yorker, some words in New York come with a special face.

Now, here's what blew me away. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was friendly. So, I said, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" And this is when my taxi driver told me what I now call, " The Law of the Garbage Truck."

Many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it. And if you let them, they'll dump it on you.

When someone wants to dump on you, don't take it personally. You just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. You'll be happy you did. I guarantee it.

So this was it: The "Law of the Garbage Truck." I started thinking, how often do I let Garbage Trucks run right over me? And how often do I take their garbage and spread it to other people: at work, at home, on the streets? It was that day I said, "I'm not going to do it anymore."

Well now "I see Garbage Trucks." I see the load they're carrying. I see them coming to drop it off. And like my Taxi Driver, I don't make it a personal thing; I just smile, wave, wish them well, and I move on.
Good leaders know they have to be ready for their next meeting.
Good parents know that they have to welcome their children home from school with hugs and kisses.
Leaders and parents know that they have to be fully present, and at their best for the people they care about.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let Garbage Trucks take over their day. What about you? What would happen in your life, starting today, if you let more garbage trucks pass you by?

Here's my bet. You'll be happier. I guarantee it.

Source: via email

Men and Women

Men and Women are difficult to fathom. Do you think there is any truth in these?


Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leave them.

7. Although the women leave them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.


Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear. (This one sounds very familiar. lol)

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Superfoods for SuperPeople

Never before have we been more conscious about what we eat. Similar to computer technology, food intake also plays along the concept of GIGO (garbage in, garbage out) as we are what we eat.

Thanks to technology, we are now able to identify the foods that are good for our body as well as the not-so-good foods to avoid or to consume less of. Technology also makes it convenient and available the superfoods, Orovo, we need at arm's length.

Whatever, I still need my char kway teow once in a while. Yes, everything in moderation, including this favourite fried rice noodles that is so uniquely Malaysian!

Friday Frolics - What Nut Are You?

This is a nutty quiz. No, it's not about nuts. It's about you. ;)

This one is off the mark about me though: But you tend to get lost in a crowd, especially if it's filled with big personalities.

Are they kidding? I tend to get lost in a crowd, any crowd. Period.

I Am a Brazil Nut

To most people, you seem exotic, unusual, and even a bit scary. But you're really quite normal. You're just hard to get to know. If people leave you alone and let you do your thing, you really shine. But you tend to get lost in a crowd, especially if it's filled with big personalities.

What Nut Are You?

More More Quizzes

Motor Shows

I'm not much for crowded places except for concerts, book fairs and the annual mega sales. Shopping - so typical of ladies though I'd make sure I pay ahead of closing time to avoid the mile-long queues.

So far, I've been to a PC fair only once and it was not a pleasant experience, neither was the travel fair. I've only been to motor shows twice. Didn't quite enjoy them. Still don't. I think motor shows are more for guys which begs the question: Do guys really go to motor shows for the cars? What do you think?

Gold to Hit USD1500 An Ounce!

If you have been collecting or investing in gold jewelry or gold coins, your collection is now worth a tidy sum as the price of gold is currently hovering around USD1000.

Precious metal experts are predicting it will go up to USD1500. (More people might be heading Mersing way to pan for gold?)

I have no idea whether pawnshops here are doing a brisk business but in the US, pawnshops are seeing a rush of gold sellers - office workers, retirees and many others bringing their jewelry in jewelry boxes, even safe deposit boxes to cash in on the high price of gold.

There is good reason now to get rid of pieces of jewelry they find outdated, broken, or simply will not be worn again. Coins and other hand-me-down pieces also find their way to the pawnshops. There are even gold parties, where people gather to sell their jewelry.

Cashing in may be due to the need for cash resulting from the softening of the economy. Gas price being at $3.60 per gallon may be a big factor in people converting from jewelry to cash to fill their gas tanks. Some seniors pawn their gold items in order to make it through until their next Social Security checks arrive.

The price of silver has also gone up - from $6 per troy ounce two years ago to more than $20 now.

Amazon's New Service, TextBuyIt

When it comes to books, Amazon comes to mind. Shopping in a physical bookstore may be nice where you are able to browse through the shelves and even flip the pages to read a little. However, sometimes the titles you are looking for aren't available or you need to spend time looking for it. With Amazon, even though you may only get to see a virtual copy of the book, at least you'll be able to find it, most times at least.

Online shoppers of Amazon will be happy to note that Amazon has recently launched a new service to better serve their shoppers.

Amazon's new service, TextBuyIt, launched Tuesday, lets shoppers compare prices and buy things with a few quick taps on their cell phones.

If a searched item has a match, the service returns two results in which you can immediately buy one by texting back either "1" ot "2". If you need more information is needed, you can just enter the letter "M".

If you are a new customer, you will be prompted to enter the email address associated with your existing Amazon account and a shipping zip code. Confirmation of purchase is also by text message and e-mail and you can check order status on the Amazon website.

By the way, for Malaysians, with the government providing a tax-deductible amount of up to MYR1000 a year on books and other reading material, wouldn't it make sense to give gifts of books and reading material? This tip came along with other Income Tax tips which I will share in a separate post. In the meantime, happy shopping for books and others!

Friday Frolics - Are you Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

Once in a while we do things that freak people out - at least I do. It's not because I'm weird or anything. It's because people around me can't imagine me capable of the unthinkable, sometimes. I think it's true of all of us. We all have some latent force or some rebelliousness that slips out every now and again. hehe...

Okay, find out for yourself whether you are disturbingly profound or profoundly disturbing.

I Am Disturbingly Profound

You're contemplative, thoughtful, and very intense. Taking time to figure out the meaning of life is a priority for you. Because you're so introspective, you often react in ways that surprise people. No one can really understand how you are on the inside... and that disturbs them.

Are You Disturbingly Profound or Profoundly Disturbing?

Check Out Other Quizzes

A Loving Couple

A loving couple...

.
.
.
.
.
.

Look again..


lol

Things are not always what they seem to be.

Good Morning!

Boosting Site Traffic

It's always interesting to see what kind of searches hit your blog. Going through the analytics yesterday brought a surprise or a shock, rather. What is supposed to be a good clean post about the Bible, seems to attract something not so 'clean' (no offence to anyone). The post attracted a search for "KL wives looking for sex partner". Egad! KL wives need help! Perhaps this post has made a convert or two?



Still on analytics, the post on 25 Most Stylish Couples last week, gave me a pleasant surprise.



When I noticed a spike in traffic during the day, I wasn't sure what was happening. As a long shot, I googled the post-title and found it placed at #2. People must have been googling this item after they watched the show on Channel E! the night before.

Traffic is good. The spike in traffic yeilded extra Adsense earnings on the blog.
I'm not complaining. Now that the hype has died down, the ranking has since dropped a couple of notches and traffic is back to normal.

For anyone hoping to make money online, it is important to note that traffic is important. I noticed that whenever there's more traffic from the US, the Adsense earnings go north. Perhaps it's because people in the US do more shopping online and need to check out ads. Whatever the reason, it's not a bad thing. Did I mention that I received my first Adsense cheque?

A Book Report

Let's take five for a laugh.

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible - the following is what he wrote.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the IsraelLights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament.
He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Source unknown